Perhaps Love

On Tuesday my dad died.

The writer side of me watches and documents my whirling emotions with bemusement and a busy keyboard.

One moment I’m fine. Getting the kids to school. Doing the shopping. Eating breakfast. Showering.  Helping my 9 year old with her homework. Everything seems almost normal.

The next I’m in floods of tears. Hot, bitter, unbearable, never ending tears.

Then, together with my sisters, I’m calling undertakers, sorting paperwork and making lists of who to call and what has to be done. The practicalities provide a focus for a brain that has lost its moorings. Drifting and uncertain, I check 3 times that the door is locked and still turn back halfway to my destination, unsure if I locked it properly.

The pattern of the week is destroyed, blasted apart by the shock. I don’t know what day it is, where I should be, or where anyone else is.

And I am angry. I don’t know why, or who with, but don’t get in my way. And I am overwhelmed by the love and support I have received from the moment I took that dreadful phone call with blank incomprehension.

“Dad’s dead.”

What?????

Then the shaking set in, both mental and physical. I made phone calls, I accepted a lift home, I sorted details. People use the term “on autopilot” at moments like these, but in truth I don’t think there was even an automatic system in charge. I was following a logical pattern of things that had to be done, while my brain freewheeled in the sky overhead – refusing to come back, like a kitten bitten by a snake. Not going back there! That hurt!

The stages of grief are not a linear progression. It’s more like a random drunken walk. Lurching from phase to phase. Often inhabiting several at once. Denial. Anger. Pain. Anger. Denial. Anger. Pain. Denial. Pain.

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps Love – John Denver

This morning I find the last 25 years stripped away. I am 15, sitting at the piano and singing “Perhaps Love” with my dad. He had a beautiful tenor voice, and I loved singing harmony with him. We sang Perhaps Love, My Cup Runneth Over, Send in the Clowns, and probably others I have forgotten. My piano playing was rather on the fumbly side, but he waited patiently through my stumbles and sang as though accompanied by a virtuoso. Strange the things that come back to you.

Last night I lay in bed not sleeping, listening to my 5 year old crying “I want Pa” in her sleep. My girls are hurting, and it kills me that I can’t fix it for them, any more than anyone can fix it for me.

Grief and I are old adversaries. It will do its worst, but it won’t beat me.

But it hurts.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Perhaps Love

  1. I’m a friend of Elaine’s… I just wanted to give you a huge hug & love. I know first hand how hard that loss can be.
    18 months ago I lost my Dad. Perhaps Love was a song we often used to sing together also. He taught it to me & we sang it many time over the years. Singing Perhaps Love ‘with’ him one last one was the one thing I slung to for his funeral, and on the day we farewelled my Dad, I stood with one hand on his casket & sang with all my heart, hearing his voice in my heart & mind, twine with mine one last time. Your post brought tears to my eyes as I recalled singing that day.
    In time, the depth of pain eases, but that’s near impossible to see at this stage. I hope you can find peace & comfort as your farewell your Dad.

    1. lindamciver

      Thanks Mish. Elaine is priceless, isn’t she??

      I’m both sad and glad that my post brought tears to your eyes. It’s a great song, and a wonderful memory.
      hugs to you too!

  2. Carmel Hogan

    Whether it’s expected, like after an illness, or sudden, the loss of your parent is a devastating experience. The only thing I can tell you is that after a time, eventually the things that you remember and think of are the good things – what they liked, what you loved about them and what you’d still like to share with them. You loved your Dad and that’s what’ll last. Be kind to yourself now – don’t be hard on yourself. You’ll get there, but be gentle in doing so.
    I’m Elaine’s Mam, I’m glad your enjoying her. We miss her, but she’ll be a great addition to your life. And that’s just what you need right now.

    1. lindamciver

      Thanks Carmel. I’ve written a lot about grief over the years (you might find it interesting to search my blog for it) and your words sum it up beautifully. Elaine is a treasure – thank you for sharing her with us! She has been a great support this week.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s